You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
