my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
