Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
