last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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