At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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