Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
