I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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