We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
