She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
