I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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