Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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