It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
