so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
