I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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