so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
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