I think I died a long time ago.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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