worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
