I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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