You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
