Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
