I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just found a bag of teeth...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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