I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
