she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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