There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
