Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
