i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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