Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
