this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize