Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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