It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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