Already got asked if we're dating
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
