I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
