a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
