Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
