dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
