mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
