woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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