So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
