The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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