I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
