is your mom at the bar?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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