when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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