how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize