I CAN MOONWALK!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
