Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
