I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
