I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
