The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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