Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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