Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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