i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
