Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
