my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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