If i come over, it means nothing
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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