she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
