What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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