How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize