I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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