i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
